Stupid Joke Saturday!

17 05 2009

From Comedians…

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” — Lily Tomlin

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.” — Lynda Montgomery

“When the sun comes up, I have morals again.” — Elayne Boosler

I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people. — Ed Bluestone

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. — Carol Leifer

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister’s house and ask her for money.” — Kevin Meaney

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.” — Bobcat Goldthwait

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” — Elayne Boosler

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One response

18 05 2009
Cincinnati NAMjA

Thanks for posting these! I did not get to read them until Monday, but the sure did brighten this dreary day.

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